Well, thanks to God and my sister in heaven, I have a car that I love. And it's mine. MINE. Not my baby daddy's, nothing. Mine. And I love it. I adore it. And I have insurance. And maybe, if things keep going as planned, I will have all my stuff together soon. I need to get caught up on school work... what I need is a good organizer. To do losts, something. I have to get organized. It seems impossible but I know it's not. I miss my sister, terribly. It's hard getting a car when I know she wanted to get her own car one day... or at least have me get one reliable enough for her to drive. Sigh. I just wish...

Life is going on but it's far from normal. I don't know what normal feels like anymore. I just don't know. It's like, what is normal when your sister, someone you have lived with and known for 20 years, is gone. What is normal after that?

My daughter and these terrible two's. Seriously, I do not want another child. Not because of her but when i'm 30 she'll be 7. We can travel, we can go places, she can spend the night with friends, life will be good. If I have another baby, even at 28 or 29, my life will change drastically again. No more traveling, no more fun, no more life...lol... it wouldn't be that dramatic but it would be close enough. I don't want another baby. Even if I meet the most wonderful man who wants kids... I am not having another baby.

Anywayz, it doesn't matter. I just want to focus on the right now. And right now, I have a million things to do. We got a puppy, it's a pomeranian named Blake. I love him, he's so cute and friendly. My daughter yells out "Blake come here" all day, it's so funny.

Happiness is something you have to work for. Something you have to fight for. And I am willing to do just that.

*My Main Concern With My Life Right Now*

I don't know where life is taking me. I mean, I am in college. I am studying for English, but is that really what I want to do? Be an English teacher... Yes. It is. I know it. I want to teach kids how to express themselves with words, how to read a story and find yourself so wraped up in it that you didn't notice the sun had come up, I want them to see the beauty in words... I still have the passion for it. Thta makes me happy. My child's father texted me yesterday... I politely told him to screw himself. There is no point. He stopped trying after awhile, but who knows how long it will be before he tries again. So, I don't know. I just want him to leave us alone and do what he wanted to do which was live his life. Closed subject. Also, I want to get myself together. I mean, seriously, I need to grow up. No more silly mistakes. Oops, I'm pregnant is not cute and will not happen ever again. Oops I spent all my money shopping and going out to eat and now my bills are due.... not happening again. It is time to grow up. get organized, take care of business. Start back working out, not to lose weight but to feel good and get healthy. Take school seriously. This is my way out. My future. My daughter's future. Not a joke. It's time to stop hanging on the phone all day and doing homework late at night. Time to grow up. And finally, at 25, after years of doing nothing... literally nothing, I am ready to redeem myself. I want to live. I want to accomplish things. I want to be somebody. I want to be happy.

I want to fall head over heels in love. I simply want to be in love. No lying, no cheating, no verbal abuse, no emotional abuse, just a honest simple relationship. Is it possible? Probably. Not easy to come by but I won't write it off completely. But I am secretly hoping it will happen to me. I don't know... I don't know if it will but I sure hope so... This is so sappy and mushy. But I mean every word. I have done so many people wrong in my past... do I even deserve to love again... Actually I am not even sure I've ever been in love to begin with. I just don't know anymore. I know that I have to stop using sex as a means to say i like you. Or as a way of saying please like me back. I have to stop that. I haven't had sex in two months. I guess by choice, it's not exactly like anyone is lined up anyways. But that's a good thing. Who needs the temptation? And from now on, i'm waiting. Waiting for true love, waiting for marriage... I don't know. But I am waiting. And also, I'm going to pray about the guy. And if i get one warning, one red light, i am outta there. So, I don't know what the future holds but we shall see. I am keeping my fingers crossed but the reality is that I am probably going to grow old alone with a cute puppy. No no no no... lol... I cannot claim that. This is what I will put out into the universe: I will find a man who is a Christian, who is strong in his beliefs, who is loving and kind, who is faithful, who is able to love my child as his own, who wants nothing more than to love me in return for my unconditional love.

The End. Or actually... The Beginning.